"The BALMORAL was ablaze with lights a few hundred yards away from us. You could look at this other ship and image what TITANIC may have looked like, the reflections in the water"
As darkness set in it was still quiet around the ship. The central pool area was cleared of all deck chairs and tables to make room for the night’s memorial. I gathered some very warm layers, hat, gloves, and scarf and wandered about a bit. Many eyes were scanning the horizon for BALMORAL to appear and this continued in the black that now surrounded us. I sat in the forward observation lounge, Looking Glass, with floor to ceiling windows, chatting with a lovely couple from Fullerton, California when we could make out what looked like a tiny star in front of us. This bluish white twinkling light bobbed rather noticeably up and down, most likely the BALMORAL approaching from the West. Instantly conversation turned to speculation about how far away this ship was and if this is what the “mystery ship” may have looked like in 1912 to TITANIC. It is still a topic of debate whether or not the non responsive CALIFORNIAN was that unknown vessel.
I felt compelled to keep checking my iphone clock to see where we were on the timeline. As we approached 11:25pm I was thinking that it was around this time that the CALIFORNIAN wireless operator Cyril Evans was listening to transmissions from Cape Race for TITANIC, only 10 minutesbefore he put down his headset and went to bed, a mere 5 minutes before TITANIC would collide with fate.
BALMORAL was looming larger and larger and within moments the Captain made a chilling announcement that it was exactly 11:40pm, 100 years to the minute that TITANIC struck the iceberg. In my mind a running countdown began to tick, marking how much time was left. I wanted to get a sense of what would have been happening as events unfolded. What would it have felt like that night in relation to what people did and how quickly or slowly would time have passed.
It is said that the first distress call C.Q.D. did not go out until 12:10am, 30 minutes after the incursion. For us, the night air was cold, as described in 1912. You could see your breath if up on the top deck. People clustered next to doors and in alcoves to find some temporary warmth. The BALMORAL was ablaze with lights a few hundred yards away from us. You could look at this other ship and image what TITANIC may have looked like, the reflections in the water, the dark sky.
We had a partially overcast night to start, but as the evening went on the clouds would part and there would be a blanket of stars above us. I imagined that during these 30 minutes TITANIC was already experiencing serious flooding, the mail room was already compromised and the lower front decks were filling quickly. Watertight doors were coming down. Some already knew the serious nature of what had happened. Many would still be asleep, others would be coming up on deck to see what was going on. Just on our ship, more people wandered about, but no crowds. Azamara Journey was solid under our feet and at this time TITANIC would have still felt just as steadfast.
An announcement was made at 12:10am, 30 minutes later, marking the time the first CQD was transmitted and a communications officer on our ship recreated the actual signal which was broadcast throughout our ship. Rather than the Hollywood crisp sound effects, this electric static buzzing with gaps, dots and dashes was chilling to hear. Stunning how long it took after the collision for this cry of help to go out.
As time moved on I could see in my mind's eye as lifeboats would be prepared and dropped with more and more people gathering on deck, bundling up in the cold, right here at this very spot, or relatively close as there is a general consensus that reported positions may have been slightly off. In reality, TITANIC would no doubt have drifted in the current some appreciable distance to end up more or less at the spot where we were, directly above the boilers or ground zero on the map.
There were several moments where I would look over the railing down at the water, still beneath us without movement, as it was. The lights of our ship reflecting off the surface. This would have been the view seen 100 years ago. The very sensations of being out on deck at this spot and under this sky.
12:20am on the clock - from this point there would have been two hours left. How serious was it now on TITANIC? Most likely more activity, questioning, crowds gathering. So many would look out into the darkness and see those small boats drifting away and it must have seemed absurd to leave the solid platform of TITANIC.
On Azamara in the main lounge hundreds gathered at names of the victims were read. On an oddly designed checkerboard screen a large photo of TITANIC was projected and in the center a name would briefly appear as it was announced. Then another. And another, and another, another, another into a seemingly endless list. Some names popped up that were familiar from popular history, but most unknown loved ones, husbands, mothers, entire families. An absurd reality as a few selected names were common and were names of friends today, but of course no connection. There were simply so many, over 1,500 lost that there were bound to be dozens of names that echoed to others in the crowd. Sobering. Sadness.
Back up on deck, people milling about. The minutes ticking down and stinging awareness of how terrifying it must have now started to feel on TITANIC. The front portion of the ship would be much more under water and a list and tilt much more noticeable. I looked across at BALMORAL transferring TITANIC into her position.
Then 1:30AM came quickly. TITANIC would now only have 50 more minutes until it’s final plunge. Waves of emotions rocked me. Everything became surreal. What could these people be thinking at this point, not knowing how much time was left. Everything was becoming so much more of an urgency, more frantic, the battles over who got into lifeboats and who didn’t. The realization that TITANIC was slipping out underneath them and their only salvation was in these tiny boats. And the cold was burning after being outside so long. My toes were icy, my cheeks numb. How could these people manage, looking back at the ship, stepping away from the comfort and warmth, not believing what they were seeing?
1: 53am - 27 Minutes left. From this point in time, it would still be a little over two hours before CARPATHIA would arrive on the scene. I do not know the timeline as well as the experts do, but I would imagine that the most horrific part of the break up, the explosions, snapping of cables, crashing, one of the Funnels breaking loose and crashing down on those struggling. This was all happening, or beginning to happen around this point.
As we reached 2:00am the small stage on the outer pool deck was buzzing with activity. Suddenly the deck was covered with people. They came from nowhere, gathering. Just as the crowds began to scramble on deck in those final moments described by so many. Perhaps not only just steerage passengers who had to fight their way out from the bowels of TITANIC, but many may
have stayed inside for the warmth until the last possible moment until the angle and motion of the foundering ship became too much. This would be the time to scramble for your life. Feeling the air this night, that would not have been an unreasonable supposition.
A benediction began with prayers, echoed back by the Azamara Journey Guests, the final moments were taken then with a Wreath laying ceremony dropped off the port side of the ship.
Soon it was 2:10am, then quickly came 2:15am. Here we stood on the very spot as the most horrific nightmare befell every person involved. The extreme violence of disaster, crushing, breaking, twisting, the sounds of terrified screams, those in the boats watching their loved ones die only yards away and unable to do anything.
It was 2:20AM the time of TITANIC's death. Gasping final moments for those who clung desperately to what remained of TITANIC as she tilted more onto her port side, dumping frightened victims into the icy water. She then slid underneath, washing others overboard, taking so many down with her and leaving hundreds thrashing on the surface. BALMORAL blasted her horn across the water. Azamara Journey blasted her horn - long - heartbreaking. The string orchestra stood in a row, poised before silently walking to the center stage area. Then they began “Nearer My God To Thee”. You could hear so many openly weeping. Here we all were at this
moment in time, 100 years later at this very hallowed location, remembering all those souls as part of an historic tragedy that would forever change history and maritime law.
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| (Gouache on Board/Lithograph) |
After the music played, the lights were simply dimmed and the stage went dark. Most stood in stunned silence for a moment then quietly went away. Lingering crowds gathered to chat, to thank the Captain and priest, the musicians, to take photos and to find some comfort with new found friends who shared this uncanny connection.
Although everyone was walking away and it was now around 2:40am, this would have been the most horrific time of all that early morning of now April 15th. It would have been at this very moment that the lifeboats lingered while the mass cries and moans of the dying would fill the star lit sky. A swath of humanity would be slowly freezing to death, giving in to the numbing cold; giving up; praying for peace to come quickly.
A crystal clear night of stars then appeared. You could see the center of the milky way itself. A glow to the east looked like the northern lights, which did not make any sense. Soon, a waning crescent moon rose about the low level distant clouds, reflecting a silver path across the water.
BALMORAL slowly began to drift further away and we made our way inside to the comfort and warmth. This was all almost too much to take in. It was now almost 3:00am and it would be another hour before CARPATHIA would arrive. We could protect ourselves in the lounge of a liner today, but those that were in the lifeboats 100 years ago had no escape. I cannot begin to imagine what they must have suffered. They had no idea that CARPATHIA would be there and the massive preparations that were going on to meet them and bring salvation.
I purposely wanted to stay awake to continue to experience the timeline of what happened. A few of us were still in the lounge talking, reflecting, discussing what would have been going on at this juncture. We noted when it was 4:00am, the time of CARPATHIA's arrival on the scene, still dark outside. It was also at this time that it felt like Azamara Journey began to move again, or at least pick up speed to head away from this special place.
By 4:15am I started to notice a reflection in the window of the lounge that I thought came from internal lights. But a moment later I realized it was the light bluish shape of clouds in the sky as dawn was just barely breaking. We headed out on deck and I had to take a breath as I remembered the words of Captain Rostron as he described seeing many more of the lifeboats in the area, surrounded by ice as the early light of day illuminated the area. Here I was looking out at these very waters at to the east the very early dusky twilight was, indeed, giving full view across the water to the horizon. The glow slowly got brighter while it was still dark to the west. It would have been at this time that the first survivors would be coming aboard CARPATHIA. She would have everyone aboard, recover many of the lifeboats, and leave the scene around 8:30 am, four hours later, just as the CALIFORNIAN was arriving.
Witnesses on both ships, including MOUNT TEMPLE who also arrived across the ice floes in the area, and other ships stated emphatically that hardly any wreckage nor bodies were found. MOUNT TEMPLE did not know that TITANIC had actually gone under. It was several days later when passing ships would encounter a gruesome scene of hundreds of bodies and wreckage. There is still debate and discussion, but the ice had most likely gathered and hidden the bodies on the surface, much like cranberries floating on water being pushed aside.
Exhausted and drained, I finally got some sleep, my mind reeling from this experience.
Literally this day has been a fog. Besides getting very little sleep, the emotional exhaustion of last night has taken a toll. The general mood around the ship has been somber. Lots of reflection. Much of the conversation among the guests has been sharing of what each person experienced. The reflections of what those souls endured a century ago. 
I spent a good chunk of Sunday writing down my thoughts and account of last night. My mind would wander off to a moment here or there, the sounds of the Marconi Signal recreated, the blast of the ship horns.. the sound of the water lapping the sides of our ship in the dark..the haunting music. I found it very difficult to concentrate. 
We had a much warmer day today with clear blue skies, in stark contrast to the freezing night before. I believe the CARPATHIA also experienced better weather and I could not help but look out at the frothy wake behind us, feeling the warmth of the sun beaming across the dark blue waves and wonder what these survivors must have been thinking. The photos are faded black and white, but the sea and sky would be just as blue and the sun just as warm in 1912. 
